Hello, my friends.

I've been feeling off lately. Really, truly, sincerely off. I don't know what it is- maybe realizing that we're not all going to live forever, that one day we'll all just... shut down, never to talk, to love, to laugh ever again. 'Silent as the grave'. I've been having to deal with panic attacks every day for the past three weeks whenever I thought about this subject. It's terrifying. Of course, I have my faith- I'm a Christian- but, it's frightening to think that at one point in our life, be it sooner or way later, we'll all pass on. There's nothing we can do about it. What'll become of us? Will we be forgotten, or remembered? Will we move on to Heaven, or just... blank out? Never think, feel, or anything for the rest of eternity? This whole paragraph may seem repetitive, but it's the hardest thing in the world to comprehend, and I can't seem to put into words what I'm feeling.

I am, to put it frankly, terrified. It's the worst feeling, being this helpless. But, bless you J.K. Rowling, one thing that has helped me work past the panic attacks is this quote: 'To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.' --Albus Dumbledore.

People ask me why I'm so interested in the paranormal. After reading through those first two paragraphs, can you at least slightly understand where I'm coming from? I want answers. Need them. I need to know that everything we do on this planet really does mean something.

Does everyone go through this? I'd think so. But I'm only sixteen, and every day I spend at least an hour dreading a death that, I hope, will not come until I'm good and ready. I love life. It has its hardships, yeah, but what's a life without conflict? It'd be pointless. I love my family, couldn't survive without my few good friends, and would be nothing without my faith. I don't want any of this to end, ever.

These uncertainties forced me to remember that we should never take any part of our lives for granted, that we should live life to the fullest and leave our mark in the grandest way. If, when we pass on, we're only to live with our memories, wouldn't you want them to be only the greatest? I know I would. Who wants to live with their regret, with their mistakes?

I could ramble on about this for hours, but to put a very long, drawn out story short: I am going to be changing. Changing the way I think. Changing the way I treat everyone and anything. Changing the way I take things for granted on a daily basis. Change everything. I don't want to be forgotten, and I most definitely don't want to be remembered in a negative way.

If you took the five minutes it takes to read this sort of entry, then I certainly hope the hour it took me to write it was well spent. If I can help at least one other person see things the way I am currently, and make them want to strive to become a better person, then I'd feel accomplished.

Hopefully sometime soon I'll be able to go a day without having these panic attacks, and be able to embrace the fact that we're all here for a reason. In the meantime, I have some changes to make. What'll these changes mean for me, for everyone? I don't know. I'm hoping something great.

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Onto less stressful subjects:

-I am a fully licensed driver.
-I just recently got my very first job.
-Obsessions rear their ugly heads. Again.

Let's start with the first one. Sometime in June, I got up early in the morning to go take my driver's test. Once we arrived at the course, I was nervous as all get-out. I couldn't even think straight, I was so distracted by the fact that I was going to fail. Turns out I had nothing to worry about, because I passed maneueverability no problem, and the driving went perfectly. I wanted to giggle many times during the test because the instructors sound like robots when they tell you what directions to turn, and they're all so serious. I know they have to be, but still. It's like one of the spoofs you'd see on TV. So, after that I waited an hour in line to take my picture and get my actual license. I don't do much driving- usually just to run to the store, or go to the library. The library has become my second home. Well, it's always been my second home but now I can go all by myself and be the independent little gremlin I've always said I am.

***

I am now officially a working teenager! My cousin Jenny from California came out to visit us, and so we went out to lunch at a local restaurant. As a spur-of-the-moment thing, I asked for an application and gave it to our server when I was finished. As fate would have it, our server was the one doing the hiring, and so he called a few days later and scheduled an interview for the next Wednesday. I went through that interview, and was hired as a hostess. The next day, yesterday actually, I went in for orientation. And today at five I will have my very first training session as a hostess. I'm slightly nervous, but more excited than anything. Last night I stayed up until two in the morning memorizing the floor plan, the table numbers, and the history of the building. I'm good at memorizing things, though, so it was no problem.

The hostess' uniforms are adorable! We have to wear a black polo that they provide for us, a plaid skirt we buy from them, knee high black socks and comfortable black shoes. We have to keep our hair tied back and out of our face, which, to those who know me in real life, know that's a problem for me. Actually, though, all summer I've kept my hair out of my face. Proud of me? Yeah. I knew it.

Hopefully now I can actually have some money! Which I'll probably waste at the movie theaters, since I'm in love with the atmosphere there. But really, I'll be saving up for a car. We got a loan from the bank a few days ago, and so are on the lookout for my first car. I'm really looking forward to getting one, and have already picked out a name: Tamwyn. If it doesn't look like a Tamwyn, then I'll change it, but I really love that name.

-sigh-

I'm growing up. And now that I realize it, I don't want to. It's quite daunting. And exciting. I dunno. RambleRambleRamble.

***

Obessions rear their ugly heads. Oh dear. Well, my Harry Potter obsession that I've had for the past... well, let's say over half of my life, has decided to make its grand reappearance because of the HBP movie. You don't even want to get me started on Harry Potter. Well, actually, if you do, just send me a Note and we can talk about it there. Because I'm not going to waste another hour typing up my thoughts on the sixth movie.

Let's just say that Warner Bros. will have a LOT of rethinking to do for Deathly Hallows. They screwed things up big time in HBP, and left out very key events that'll be needed to explain the hunt for the Horcruxes. But whatever, they'll manage. In a very crappy way, probably, but it'll get done. It's kind of a morbid fascination right now, to see how badly they'll be able to screw up my life's biggest love.

Yes, my life's biggest love is a fictional book series.

Now onto another obsession!

Has anybody seen the new show on NBC, Merlin? It was originally aired on BBC before it aired here in the US, so all of the episodes are up on YouTube. I've seen all of them, since I'm too impatient to wait for it show over here. And lemme just say: I. Love. Merlin. LoveLoveLove. And I cannot wait for the second season to come out. It'll be starting on BBC September 9th, I believe, and so hopefully people will upload the episodes onto YouTube so I can watch it.

New fanfic! And it's based on Merlin. I'm not sure if I'll post it on FanFiction[dot]net, but I've got a lot of it written already. And a sequel is in the works as well. I will for sure be posting it in the Merlin guild I've joined on GaiaOnlne. Huzzah!

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Alright. I'm getting sick of writing, which probably means you are all twice as sick of reading. Did any of you really make it this far?

One more thing to say before I go- if you get the time, read 'The Great Tree of Avalon' by T.A. Barron. It's quite possibly the most amazing series I've ever read, next to the Harry Potter series. Also, 'The Lost Tales of Merlin'. T.A. Barron is an amazing writer, and as such has made it into my top favorite authors list. Not many have acheived that honor [haha], so... Read his work. You won't regret it.

Well, as I said earlier, change is coming. For the better. Be ready.

Thanks for sticking with me. Even if I don't know you in real life, and haven't even spoken to you, it makes me glad to know there are others that know I exist and believe that I'm not just someone to discard and forget.

Love - SydneyL.